Now that it’s finally here, what does it take to get through winter break?


Photo by Grace Gillen

Grace Gillen

There’s nothing quite like passing out after a long day of Netflix and eating junk food, only to waking up at unholy hours of the night, am I right? Over winter break, early alarms won’t stop you from pursuing your oversleeping dreams. The average teen gets around seven hours of sleep on any given day, but during the 18 days from Dec 21 to Jan 7, it’s more likely to be almost double that. However, some parents and relatives see this common teenage adaptation as “worrying”. In reality, it is simply a coping mechanism to deal with the challenges of their natural environment. So sleep on, my chronically tired and underachieving friends.

Besides, when you’re stuck at home, there’s not that much to do. Browsing social media, ignoring texts, and having existential crises can only stave off the inevitable for so long. Eventually, we all come down with a case of cabin fever. Symptoms include restlessness, boredom, and headache. In some extreme cases, overall dissatisfaction with life may occur. This winter break, make sure you do everything to ensure you and your loved ones from this terrible disease. For only five cents a day, you can provide those in need with life-saving medication (side effects of which include restlessness, boredom, and headaches).

Often the only break you get from clocking out in front of the television is going to the store. After all, the Christmas season wouldn’t be complete without wading through packed store aisles and scrounging for back-of-the-shelf gifts. It also wouldn’t be complete without the anxiety of checking your bank account after going on that last buying spree. Nationally, consumers spent over $1 trillion on total holiday sales last year. Some people insist that it truly is better to give than receive. The next time someone tells you that, see what they say after you give them the gift of your presence. It’s cheap and has free shipping!

Chances are at least a few of the gifts you’ve bought will end up being given to a grandparent. And if your family is anything like mine, redundant political arguments aren’t far behind the gift exchanges. The fact that so many teens clash with older relatives isn’t that surprising considering that in 2012, an astounding 56 percent of voters over 65 cast their ballot for Republican candidate Mitt Romney. When faced with an older relative who is just a little too stuck in their ways, try changing the topic. Get them started on a story about your parents and arguments will soon become a thing of the past.

However, the matter gets a little more complicated when a distant relative come into the picture. One minute you’re relaxing during your hard-earned break and the next Aunt Mary is badgering you about what your future plans are. But fear not readers, there is a solution to this problem as well, although it requires a little planning. First, give up all hope. I lied there’s actually nothing you can do about this one. 

One of the most publicized redeeming qualities of Florida is our warm winters. Here in the Sunshine state, temperatures are usually in the mid 40’s (F) throughout December, compared to it getting as low as 12 (F) in Minnesota. But really, let’s face it. Winters aren’t supposed to be warm. Wearing sandals and t-shirts on Christmas week is just plain unnatural. Your options for this one are pretty limited unless you don’t mind seeing a huge jump in your power bill. My sources tell me that iced coffee and fake Disney snow are the closest you can get to a white Christmas in Florida. Hopefully, global warming will take the L on this one this holiday season.


Happy Holidays!


* Disclaimer: This post is a combination of satire, sarcasm, and irony. We do not advise you to take any of the advice seriously and ask you use at least five grains of salt while reading.